Time is eating me away
by Amenti-c-a
Summary: Nemu's suffering from a disease and hiding it from her taicho.
1. Chapter 1

**Time is eating me away**

**1. A cold hand on my cheek**

I'm sitting here, in front of a desk. I stare the white wall in front of me. I try to breath. I take the medicine that my taichou gave me but it doesn't help. So I wait. My lungs try to breath. They can't. It something's stuck in my throat, but it refuses to be erased. Mayuri-taicho's busy. Too busy to fix me. If I die, he can just fix me, when he has the time. I hear the sounds of choking. I hit my chest. Again, again, again. I feel my lungs inflate, I breathe. My breathing's rapid, I feel and hear it rasp. I taste the blood in my mouth, swallowing it when my breathing stabilizes. I wipe my forehead before I band over my desk and start filling the forms.

I'm going towards the first division to drop out the papers. I bow and silently greet Ukitake-taicho, who smiles towards me happily. I let a shy smile bend my lips. I excuse myself to continue towards the first division, feeling his gaze at my back. I feel warm. Then the feeling of rush creeps through my veins, driving away the warmth. I use shunpo to get faster. The plug rises to my throat and I feel the blood's metallic taste on my tongue again.

They look at me strangely and slightly worried when I come inside. I know they're worried if something has happened, like a hollow or arrancar or something, but I keep my head down. Someone asks me, if I'm okay. I tell him I'm fine and ask him to deliver the papers for me because I'm busy. I give him the papers, bow and dash away.

My gums hurt, they pulse and ache. A cough forces itself through me. I have to stop running. I cough, feel like choking again. I can breath is the only thing on my mind. I cough up blood, it soils the street. I feel the sweat pouring to skin and I shiver in cold, although it's a warm day. I feel someone's reiatsu fleeting through my skin and I quickly rise from my pathetic looking bend over position. When I look at the way the came from and I see no one. I collect myself and hurry to the Shinigami Research and Development Institute, where I know my taicho is.

Mayuri-sama shouts at me for being late and I apologize. I feel at home when I'm working with my taicho. He trusts me, uses me and I feel needed. I know he doesn't really need me and I could be easily replaced, but sometimes… Sometimes I really feel I'm special to him, that I matter something to him. It's just a happy illusion, but sometimes I let myself succumb to it and I feel proud. Until my sanity tells me I'm wrong. Until I succumb to the reality.

We sit down to eat. I can't eat. The food gets stuck to my throat. I force myself to eat some. Then I wait until Mayuri-sama has eaten. Then I get the tea and pour some for the both of us. I enjoy my tea, even though it hurts to swallow it. I don't have to force it through my throat.

Mayuri-sama reads the Seireitei Communication. I stare at him, at his blue hair, his golden eyes. I examine his make-up. It's flawless. I think I'm only one who has seen him without it. He gives me the paper and I thank him. I start reading the paper and he sits there sipping his tea.

I wake up at the night. The sweat is pouring to my skin, clueing my nightgown to my skin. My breathing's rapid and my head echoes. Hear my heart beating fast. It's seems to want to exit from my chest. I feel very uncomfortable, but suddenly I start to hurt. The pain is unimaginable. I won't let myself utter a single sound. Taicho sleeps in the room next to mine and I don't want to wake him up.

I feel a cold hand touch my cheek. The touch is comforting. The hand strokes my cheek and a pill is placed between my lips. I obediently take the pill inside my mouth and a cold glass of water is placed to my lips. I swallow painstakingly. I clutch the hand next to me. He caresses my hand soothingly and I feel myself calming. The pain eases and my breathing and heartbeat stabilize.

'_I won't tell my taicho. I won't let him tell my taicho.'_ I think. I won't let it happen, because I'm afraid. Afraid that he doesn't care. I open my mouth to tell him, but he puts a finger to my lips, preventing me from speaking. Like reading my mind he says: "I won't tell anyone." He caresses my hair and his voice is comforting and warm, but I don't recognize it. But I don't think I would recognize anyone's voice, since I'm in the edge of falling asleep in his soothing lap. The last thing I realize before falling to sleep is the warm feeling surrounding me.

**AN: **Tell me what you think about it. Should I leave it here or continue. Is it good or bad, or something between? English isn't my native, so I apologize for the possible grammatical errors.

While writing I listened: Courage by Superchick


	2. Chapter 2

**Time is eating me away**

**2. Weird**

I wish I wasn't here, under the watchful eyes of my captain. Last two days I haven't had any trouble breathing. But it's here again, just when I thought it was all over. I can feel my breathing getting heavy, headache attacking my head. I try to act normal, but I can't help but to freeze. I hear the familiar voices of choking. No, not again. No, not now that my taicho's watching. The scalpel drops out of my hand. I see my taicho's cold, golden eyes before me and I feel the pain as he hits the scalpel to my chest. I feel the blood oozing out. I try to keep my eyes on the cold eyes before me, but I can't help but to close my eyes…

I open my eyes in panic, sweat pouring to my skin. I'm not one of those to express myself with sound and not a single tone leaves my lips. I tremble as I feel a tear sliding down my cheek. I'm not one to cry either, but the memory of the atmosphere of nightmare just makes me emotional. It's not the things happening; Mayuri-sama could easily stab me just test how long I would manage to stay alive without medical care after a direct hit to the heart. No, it was the atmosphere, the feeling of lacking, but also feelings of fear and despair.

Hot water runs down my skin. It warms up my skin and takes away the tenseness left behind by the nightmare. Then I turn the tap and let the cold water bite my skin. I shiver in cold. After a moment I step aside and only the palm of my hand touches the water. I see my blood vessels surfacing, the dark blue stripes outlining on the pale skin. I stare at it. It looks disgusting, but in some weird way it makes me feel… calm… relieved… I don't know.

It has been three days since that night. I haven't felt that reiatsu even once since then. I remember the feel of it very clearly. It had a touch of familiarity and protectiveness and a touch of comfort and empathy. When I close my eyes I can feel the hand on my cheek again. I now understand that the hand wasn't cold; my skin was burning from a high fever. I was really sick that night and I thought of the possibility of that hand and reiatsu and presence being just an illusion caused by the fever. But I do recall feeling that reiatsu looking at me earlier. I shake my head. I doesn't matter how it is, because it won't occur again. I'll never know who it was, or why he did it. I stiffen when the thought of it being out of pity crosses my mind. I shake my head again. I'm just thinking too much, which is really not like me. I act on orders, manners or instinct. If I think it's about science or something I won't remember thinking later.

I looked at the thing. It had changed it color from black to green and to white. Its eyes were passive, until it looked at me. I could see anger, disgust and fear reflecting from its eyes. Then its body started shiver. It started to roll in the ground. The room was silent as we three, me, Akon and Rin, looked at its struggle, Rin making notes in to her notebook. I just stared at it. Then suddenly I felt a fleeting feeling of familiarity. The creature was just like me, shivering on my bed trying to catch the next breath and I had to look away. When I looked at the creature again, I noticed that Akon looked at me, his brow furrowing. Then the creature let out a hollow like scream. Then it looked at me with wrath. It seemed to hate more than anything else in this world. It seemed like it'd be ready to destroy the world as long as I'd be destroyed with it. I didn't even flinch under its gaze. Then the creature seemed to forget me as it let out a scream that swiftly turned in to a deep growl as it began to grow. There was just a large wave of power that made us all lose our stand. The creature made a large hole into the ceiling and was gone. "Akon! Please go tell Mayuri-sama about this!" I think Mayuri-sama knew all ready; the wave of power was unique, never before felt in Seireitei. I thought about this all as I shunpoed after it.

The creature was fast. I had already chased it to the third district of Rukongai, Hokutan. Suddenly it stopped and I could feel another burst of energy. It was different than before and I knew it wasn't caused by the creature; the power was more in control and it was strangely familiar. I quickly followed the creature's fading pulse. I was glad it had a tracer within it so we could find it even if it had already lost its life.

I turn around the corner and stop. There it lies, cut in pieces, but still alive. I can sense other shinigami approaching and I raise the intensity of my reiatsu a bit for them to find here more easily. Then I focus my attention on the girl in front of me, who's covered in the creature's blood. She doesn't even flinch and looks at me with a smile, a ferocious smile. "I killed the bad guy!" She has a long white hair, with few green stripes. Her eyes are grey and shiny and she's wearing a white yukata. "I'm Fhae. I killed the bad guy! "She says as her eyes fill with tears.

I feel it hitting me again. The pain hits my chest, burns my lungs. It feels like the air itself is trying to suffocate me. I drop to my feet. Heat rushes over me. The air seems claw my throat. My gums pulse painfully, the sweat pours to my skin. It's here again. I want scream but I can only gasp for ear until my throat locks up and I can't. My eyes refuse to close and I just stare at the filthy ground. This time I'm not dreaming. The sword pierces me. I hear someone sobbing: "Why won't you just… faint for me?" I feel the black curtains closing before me, swallowing my field vision bit by bit. Just before I feel the reality slipping through my fingers, I feel a reiatsu. It's HIS reiatsu. I feel it enveloping me and I sigh as my body relaxes and the darkness fills my senses.

**AN:** This chapter was very hard to write. I don't really know why. I had to write it over and over again, every version being almost completely different. I hope this didn't disappoint you… __


	3. Chapter 3

**Time is eating me away**

**3. Merciless**

It was like darkness sinking its teeth on me. I feel the dust in my skin, in my lungs, trying to make me cough, but I won't allow it. I try to catch my breath, like a wounded cat tries to catch a mouse, almost desperately, but with a weakening resolve. Every breath is like poison to my throat, corroding, crawling down and filling my lungs until they ache, then coming out, trying to grip my throat. Every breath makes a sound, a loud high pitched sound. It takes a while to adjust, to breathe without a sound, to breathe through my nose with lips closed.

Someone presses a cup of water against my lips. I raise my hands to grab the cup, but I can't move my hands. I open my eyes to look around me. I'm in a shabby little room, with a fire place in the middle of it. My hands have been bound with a kido spell, another to the floor another to the wall. When I begin to try to get my hand free, she stops me. "If you pull to forcefully the house fill fall apart." she said calmly. Once again she offered water: "Drink up." I look at her with suspicion, but I greedily drink up the water to the last drop.

I try to find the place where the pain is radiating. It's from my midsection, a stab wound. Well to be exact, stab wounds. There's one going in from the left side of my back and coming out next to my abdomen. Next t it there are few shallower wounds. I can't be sure, since I can't touch them. As I look down I see that my kimono and obi are covered in blood and chemicals Mayuri-sama has stored inside of me. The bleeding has stopped and the blood has dried, cluing the cloth against my skin. Then everything blurs all over again.

It's night outside. I lay there, unmoving, at the floor. The wounds on my midsection have inflamed. I don't really think of anything, I'm just waiting. For three days I've waited, but the girl hasn't left me alone for even a second. So I just apathetically stare at the ceiling. I don't want to kill the girl. That's why I haven't just pulled myself free of the bindings. It's not only because I don't want her to die. I'm curious to see what she has. I think Mayuri-sama would think the same. If not anything else, she would make a good shinigami… I'm not an angel. I would kill her if she weren't interesting.

'_I should hurry. Mayuri-sama won't wait for long. He'll just make a new one. He'll just make another me. Then it would be the same for me to die. No one would notice.'_

"Nemu…" I hear her calling. I stay silent and stare the ceiling. "Are you dead?" She approaches me and touches the side of my neck. She smiles. "You're not!" Her eyes are ones of the dead. She's just like me, but with no reason to life. She takes something out of her sleeve and puts it against temple. "You know… I felt just like this once. A gun pointed at my temple every night I went to sleep and it was still there when I woke up. Do you know how it feels? Do you know, Nemu?" Her voice is thin. I feel tears falling to my cheeks. Her tears. "Do you know how it feels when you start to imagine it? Imagining the gun against your head… Imagining how the bullet pierces your skull and ends it all?" I do know how she feels, but I know that she needs to ask, she doesn't need the answers. Such a shame there's no bullet in this world that could take my life. Mayuri-sama's always there to fix me. He's there to fix me as long as I have some use to him.

She's gone. I knew it even before I opened my eyes. There's no time to hesitate, so without second thoughts I yank my hands free and he building starts to grumble. I can't stand up. My legs, hands, everything in me trembles and aches. My head hurts. It throbs in time with my heart. I feel like throwing up and my heads a total mess as I once again try to catch my breath, which seems to avoid me. My trembling hand reaches for my obi. If I remember correctly there should be few of those pills Mayuri-sama gave. There's only one and I quickly push it through my lips and swallow. For a moment everything goes black, but I fight to get my control back. I reach for my reiatsu to support my trembling muscles and I mentally force myself not to think about the pain. _'It's just a little injury, you're been through worse.'_ I say to myself. I rise to my feet and just barely make it outside before the building collapses.

I sit there, on the ground, panting. I feel her reiatsu coming near. I feel her stare against my back. I force myself to stand and take the battle stance. I can do this. Mayuri-sama has made me durable; I won't go down this easily. Sweat pours my skin, but suddenly my breathing eases up a little bit. I call up my reiatsu to support my body, so that I can stand steadily. I look at her as she draws up her zanpaktou. I won't let her just release it; that would give her the upper hand since my own zanpaktou is in Seireitei. She seems to be surprised when I appear in front of her and hit my efficiently in her stomach and as she bends down I hit her on the back of the neck. She struggles to keep on standing as she whispers:"Walk wit me…" I try to hit her, but she manages to dodge. "… Kaze no hokori." Suddenly wind starts to blow harder and something cuts my skin. My cheek, my legs, my kimono… until she collapses to the ground and the silence falls upon the street and the others look at me with disgust and anger in their eyes, while catching their breath after confronting our reiatsus. But they won't attack, since they're afraid. Afraid of me, since I attacked a helpless child. They think I'm a creature with no ability to feel pity or empathy… or anything else. Maybe they're right… But they are no better.

I walk to get from the place A to place B. I never walk just to walk or run just to run. I'm always headed somewhere. If I'm not, I'll just stay where I am. I walk, slowly, while I carry the little girl. I can feel her ribs against my hand. I focus only on two things: getting forward and keeping her against my side. If she struggles, I might break her ribs; I have no control over my power right now. My reiatsu supports my legs and my right hand, which is around the girl. My left hand convulses, roughly twitching around, but I hardly notice it. I just walk forward. There's nothing else for me to worry right now, but o get to my taicho and hand him the girl.

I bump into something warm, probably a soul. I try to pass him, subconsciously noting it's a man, mumbling something apologetically, but I feel someone grab my hand, which immediately convulses and lets go of the girl. I try to bend down to retrieve her to my lap, but he doesn't let me. I finally raise my gaze from the ground to look at him. I instantly recognized him and bowed. "Hisagi-fukutaicho."

I was sitting at the Ukitake-taicho's quarters, waiting for my taicho to fetch me. I had refused from the medical attention saying that I was okay and f there was something that needed to be done, Mayuri-sama would take care of it. Hisagi-fukutaicho had given up; after all I seemed to be okay apart from the blood in my obi and the dirt. And then there were the facts that I was more durable than the usual shinigamis and that Mayuri-sama had created me and knew my physique the best. Despite all this, Hisagi-fukutaicho had insisted on assisting me to the Seireitei. As we came to the Seireitei he got an important message and left me to Ukitake-taicho, promising to take care of the girl. So we sat there drinking up our tea. The pain raged in my body, but I could stop my body from twitching and trembling, but I couldn't relax. I decided to concentrate on breathing.

Suddenly I felt someone touching my shoulder tenderly. I had fallen asleep. I could feel my body twitching and my breathing getting more and more ragged. I started to cough before being able to stop it. I tasted the blood and those familiar symptoms started act out again. Wounds started to open and the blood stain on my uniform started to widen. I had put my hand in front of my mouth and when I got my coughing under control I could see my hand had blood on it. I quickly rose back up to the position I was before falling asleep, but I couldn't stop the trembling or the bleeding from the wounds. "I… I'm sorry to bother you, Ukitake-taicho." He didn't say anything for awhile just looked at me with a worried expression on his face. "Are you absolutely sure that…" He didn't get to end his sentence, as Mayuri-sama barged in to the room.

"Nemu, you useless bitch! Dragging me all the way here to get you." Mayuri-sama looked enraged. I turned my head down. "I apologize, Mayuri-sama."Be grateful, you slut, that I even came to pick you up." I could feel Ukitake-taicho's reiatsu rising in anger. I started to stand up as Mayuri-taicho got to the door. I looked at Ukitake-taicho and bowed deeply, even though I felt very weak and my feet were slightly twitching. "Thank you for your kindness, Ukitake-taicho. I'll be leaving now, farewell." Then I quickly exited the room few moments after my angry taicho.

"Hurry up, you slow bitch! And hold down your reiatsu, it's annoying!" I forced myself to run after him, even though it made my heart beat so fast that it hurt and made my breathing ragged. "But Mayuri-sama…!" He stops and looks at me with a gaze which makes me freeze. "Do as I say!" I lower my reiatsu to the level it normally is. I take a few steps before collapsing to the ground. He lets out an irritated sound as he comes closer and looks at me panting on the ground. I suddenly realize how much I've missed him, even though he is what he is. I'm happy to see him and a smile strays to my lips, but it quickly fades as he kicks me at my stomach. I cough violently and his shoe is covered in blood. My vision begins to blur again, but I'm not losing my consciousness. "My… deepest a-apologies, Mayuri-sama…" I cough up again. "You've really messed yourself up this time, eh? What a pain…" He shakes his head. "Really… You can be such a hindrance Nemu…" Mayuri-sama grabs my hair and tosses me over his shoulder. "Now be quiet, I don't have the patience to hear you whining."

**AN: **Thanks for the reviews and hope you enjoy!

(And I hope I'm not too repetitive…)


	4. Chapter 4

**Time is eating me away**

**4. The limit**

I lie here, in the wooden floor, in a messy stack of limbs. I haven't moved from the position I was left in, close to the door to my room. He had just dropped me from his shoulder and left me there, panting and bleeding. I was grateful to Mayuri-sama for this. I didn't have to keep myself composed, I didn't have to be okay. There was no one watching, no one observing. The privacy was something I craved just now, more than anything. In this room I could be anything, I could let my breathing rasp, my limbs twitch, the pain take over my thoughts…

This room… The smell of it, the feel of the floor… There was something unique in it, something soothing. I knew every centimeter of it. I dropped to lie down my side, my hands caressing the wooden floor. This was something solely mine, something I didn't have to share. It was only for now, but I was content with for now. After all everything in this world was just for now.

The blood soils the floor. I should try to stop the bleeding. I can go on with a massive loss of blood, but I do need it to maintain my vital functions. I find myself unable to stand. It's ok, I can always crawl…

I lay on my futon, watching the rays of light that casted through the window. The rays and the shadows alternate on my bare skin. The drops of water shine as the light hits them. I knew the inevitable was close. I could feel it in my tired body, in my hair, which was losing its shine and falling down to the floor while I was in the shower. There was nothing to do to stop it. My body is reaching its limit and there's nothing Mayuri-sama or I could do about it. I knew Mayuri-sama would revive me… I was just wondering if it would really be me, if I would be the one to awaken or would it be someone completely new? After all, I had my faults, but I couldn't exist without being me. If I didn't have them, it wouldn't be me; it would be someone else.

I turned my gaze to the shadow. In to one deep, black line. Black… The color of honor, I've heard somebody call it. It's a color which doesn't reflect any light, keeping it all to itself. It could be referred as selfish, I think. Or it could be referred as unique, since all the other colors reflect light. It didn't really matter.

I could feel his reiatsu in the air, like a caress on my skin. He comes closer and then lies down behind me. For a moment we both just lay there, unmoving, not touching. Then he rounds his arms around me, pulling me closer, burying his nose to my hair. I sigh and for a moment I just enjoy feeling him. I turn around and press my face against his chest and I draw in his smell. The smell of cigarettes and something that was uniquely his. I can feel and hear his heart beating, as my own begins to fade away. I take my last breath and I tenderly place my hands on his face and I lock my gaze with his. A smile curves to my lips and form the words:"Thank you, Akon-san." as the time opens its jaws and engulfs the last piece of my being.

**AN:** … It's short, but the POV will change in the next chapter and I wanted to make it into its own entirety. I hope I'll get it done today but I can't guarantee it.


	5. Chapter 5

**Time is eating me away**

**5. The truth **

Akon looked at the twitching figure on the floor. The symptoms had been seen thousands of times in the 12th division's guinea pigs. The twitching, the sound of prevented breathing and those blue lips... There was only one exception from the others; her eyes were not hopeless, they were serene and cloudy, like she'd just awaken from a long dream. I know that it was the pain that clouded her eyes. The pain that she didn't feel anymore.

It had been an accident that Nemu had got the disease. A lucky accident as Kurotsuchi-taicho had expressed it. There would be no complaints from Nemu. Kurotsuchi-taicho had seen no need to tell the girl about it. It would give us more honest reactions too. We weren't interested in the symptoms; we had seen them many times before, but they wanted to know how long the drug would prevent her from dying in normal conditions.

Akon still remembered the first night he had come in to give her the medicine. He had tested the reiatsu modifier at the same time. It was a handy machine. It could change its users reiatsu, so he or she couldn't b recognized. It seemed to work better than expected, but they couldn't be sure, since Nemu's senses were hindered by the disease. He remembered the hand which had grabbed his and for a while he couldn't look at the girl. But this was what she had been made for; to be used. Still he couldn't shake off the guilt haunting him.

Then there was the incident few days ago. First taicho didn't really care, but when he heard that she had been wounded, Kurotsuchi-taicho had been furious. Not because she had been hurt, but because this ruined the test. Her three days of absence didn't help things. Kurotsuchi-taicho decided fetch his fukutaicho nevertheless. That was to prevent anyone outside the 12th division to know about the death of the fukutaicho, there was nothing that could be done to prevent her from dying, and to test one of the new drugs. It had been a drug which could prevent the patient of feeling any pain or bleeding to death. Well, if it had succeeded the effect would be that… If it wasn't the pain would increase tenfold and it would be certain death.

Without realizing it Akon had laid down next to her. For a moment he just looked at her bare back… Then he couldn't help himself and rounded his arms around her and pulled her closer to give her some comfort. Akon couldn't simply turn away as her hands touched his cheeks and he looked at the teal eyes. He couldn't read them, but he tried to keep his expression calm. Her words made him feel even guiltier, but he just stroked her back as her vital functions seized. He gave a kiss to her forehead. "See you soon, Kurotsuchi-fukutaicho." He just said and bowed at the unmoving form on the wooden floor.

"So did it work?" Kurotsuchi Mayuri asked laying his cold, unmoving gaze on his subordinate. "Yes it did seem to be a success. She could produce coherent words even though her vital functions were about to cease. Her heartbeat was stable until it faded away. She had taken care of her wounds, but I presume, she couldn't have suppressed the bleeding without the medicine, so it seems it at least slows down the bleeding." Kurotsuchi nodded. "Bring that wench to the lab. I'll examine her to see the changes. "Akon nodded. "What will we do about the girl?" he asked. "What girl?" Kurotsuchi-taicho asked with irritation In his voice. "The girl which fukutaicho brought with her from the Rukongai." Taicho gave him his usual look which always went with words:"I'm not interested."

**END**

**AN:** The reason I ended it here was because of the title: Time is eating me away, but I thought there could be a sequel to this, maybe a one-shot or something. I made this chapter to be something like special chapter/epilogue to explain things a little…

I hope you enjoyed the story; this was my second try to write a fanfiction and first time writing a multi-chapter one. Thank you for reading and special thanks to **EmpressSaix, Master Solo, Sakura Otome **and** Flouder5** for reviewing.


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